Security!

I forgot to write about this on the day that it actually happened, but I'll try to describe it now...

I went to the airport in Lexington last week because I was flying back to CA. I made it past security without a problem, then went to find something to eat since it was 5:30am. I bought my overpriced muffin and orange juice at a little coffee shop there and began eating my breakfast. Once I had almost finished eating, I heard over the loudspeaker in the airport, "Will the passenger, Jenna Boyd, please report to security and ask for a supervisor" (they said this twice in a row). I immediately pick up all of my things and go to security because I don't want to hear this lady on the loudspeaker again. I go to the security checkpoint, tell the guy who I am, and ask for a supervisor (I'm such a good directions follower). Anyway, he gets the supervisor and she asks me what I do for a living. I tell her, "I'm a volunteer with the Christian Appalachian Project." She asks if I do any type of construction for a living and I tell her that I'm working with 3-4 year olds in a child development center. They said that they had found some glass in my CHECKED baggage and they weren't sure what it was. I told them that they were bottles of jam from the Amish bakery in Brodhead, KY, and that I was bringing them back to CA as Christmas presents, "because it's Christmastime," I said somewhat sarcastically. It was pretty funny answering those questions, though, because I couldn't have sounded more innocent... Christian Appalachian Project, working with toddlers, Amish bakery... could I sound like less of a terrorist?! They ended up letting me go and I didn't have any other problems making my way back to Orange County.

Stalker!

I should have written this blog awhile ago, but better late than never. Here's the story... at the beginning of December, I was on facebook and found an event for "Christmastime at Traveler's Rest Plantation." It was in Nashville (about 3 hours from our house), it was a dinner and dance (2 of my favorite things), and Matt Wertz and Brandon Heath were playing at it (Matt Wertz! I love him!). It said that it was a global invitation on facebook, but I wanted to check and make sure that anyone could go to it before driving 3 hours to Nashville. Kim and I called Traveler's Rest Plantation to ask about the event and they said that there wasn't anything scheduled for that Saturday. I decided to email the creator of the event and these are the emails that went back and forth:

Jenna: I had a couple of questions about the event on Saturday night... first of all, is anyone invited to it? I know that it said you can invite your friends, but I just happened to see this event online and wasn't on the original guest list... I just wanted to double check and make sure that we don't get turned away at the door since we're driving from Kentucky. 2nd question... is it still at Traveler's Rest Plantation? We called today to ask about the first thing and they said there wasn't an event scheduled there for Saturday night. I wanted to double check on that, too.

Girls Who Thinks I'm a Stalker: Hi there, Jenna. You can definitely bring people, so come on down. And as far as I know, it's still at Traveler's Rest...but I'm not on the party planning team. Can you tell me who invited you? They may have a better idea than I...

Jenna: Thanks so much for writing back! I had just stumbled on the event when I was looking for Matt Wertz concerts on here, so I wasn't technically invited by anyone... that's why I had wanted to check before we came down there. It sounds like they'll let us in, though, so that's good to hear :).

GWTIAS: Just so you know, though, this isn't a Matt Wertz concert in any way, shape, or form. This is Christmas party for friends who are interested in supporting a cause that is very close to the hearts of a group of guys down here.

Because this isn't a fan forum, you probably shouldn't travel all the way down. I have let the team at the door know you might be coming, and if they're uncomfortable with you being there, they may turn you away. I know it sounds extreme, but there have instances with "fans" at events like this in the past and we're all pretty protective over Matt and the rest of the guys.

Thanks for understanding, Jenna.

Jenna: Oh my goodness, I'm so sorry and I totally understand protecting them! I thought that they were playing music for this dance and that it was going toward this cause. We won't be coming down now because I don't want to be thought of as a stalker. Thanks for clarifying and don't worry, we won't be there on Saturday night.

GWTIAS: No no, it's totally fine, Jenna. And I'm sorry I had to draw such a hard line. It's just that situations have cropped up in the past and no one had known how to respond. So perhaps I'm a bit knee-jerky in my responses.

Thank you thank you for understanding. I sincerely appreciate candor.

So there's the story of how I became known as Matt Wertz's stalker.

Santa's List

During play time today, Kylee (she's 4 years old going on about 75) came over to me and asked, "How do you spell 'squirt in the face with soap?' " I asked her why she would need to know how to spell that since it was kind of a strange request. She said that she was writing a letter to Santa and telling him about all of the bad things that one of the other girls had done this year. This kid (who I'll leave nameless) bites and smacks the other kids AT LEAST once per day and she usually picks on the weaker ones. I just thought it was hilarious that a 4 year old would think to write a letter to Santa listing the mean things that another kid was doing. It was especially funny because Kylee is one of the sweetest children that I've ever met and I've never imagined her wanting to get another person into trouble. I guess writing to Santa is her way of sticking up for the other kids, though.

Christmastime is here...

As we were driving to the gym tonight, the Amy Grant version of "Walking in a Winter Wonderland" came on the radio, so Jessica and I were pretty excited... a) because we both have a childhood love of Amy Grant music and b) we both have a love of Christmas music and will listen to it throughout the entire year. Anyway, Jessica somehow figured out that Kim and I had misunderstood the words to it and she explained the song to us. Its meaning completely changed for me tonight, so now I'm going to attempt to explain what I'd thought it was saying during the past 29 years and then write the actual words. Here's the part that I had REALLY misunderstood...

JB version:
"In the meadow we can build a snowman, and pretend that he is parson brown." (I just thought that they wanted him to be the shade of parson brown, instead of white. Like when you say the trees are forest green or her shirt was royal blue).

AG version:
"In the meadow we can build a snowman, and pretend that he is Parson Brown." (Turns out a parson is some type of preacher).

JB version:
"He'll say, 'Are you merry?' We'll say, 'No, ma'am, but you can do the job while you're in town." (I thought they were talking to the snowman and were saying that they were going to be happy when they got to see the Christmas lights in town. Just like I always am when we walk around Balboa Island on Christmas Eve). I guess it doesn't make sense that they would say, "No, ma'am," to the snowMAN, but still, it sounded polite.

AG version:
"He'll say, 'Are you married?' We'll say, 'No, man, but you can do the job when you're in town." (Parson Brown is a preacher, so he can do the wedding ceremony when he gets to town). I looked this up and this song was written in 1934... who used the phrase, "No, man," in 1934? I didn't think that expression came along until the 60's or 70's.

Anyway, I never knew it was a love song. I just assumed it was about friends hanging out in a winter wonderland. Now that song has a completely different meaning for me and I don't know if I like it as much anymore... (ok, I'll totally sing along with Amy Grant when it comes on the radio, but it won't be the same).

Surrender

I've been having trouble surrendering some things lately and I finally figured out what I've been doing wrong. Every time I'm led to surrender something, I ask God to take it out of my hands or to help me let go of it. The problem is that I usually end up taking back whatever it is that I've said I would give up. This is because I'm depending on myself to give up something and I'm not letting God take control of it, even though I've been asking Him to do that.

I realized the other day that I'm called to be obedient when God asks me to give something up. I shouldn't be questioning Him, taking it back, or thinking that something better will happen once I've truly surrendered it. I only need to be obedient and trust Him. This is such a simple concept and I don't know why it took me so long to understand it. I'm constantly striving to listen to God's voice in my life, but that has usually meant that I wanted to listen to Him telling me what to do. I don't think I realized how important it is to obey when He tells me to get rid of certain thoughts and actions as well. I've felt some more peace over the past couple of days because of realizing this. When I've wanted to start taking something back into my own hands, I've been able to remind myself that God has asked me to give this up and I need to follow through on being obedient to Him. That's what I want to be better at now.

Insight

This time in Kentucky has allowed me to spend a lot of quality time with God and He's been pointing out different things that I need to work on in my life. Over the past couple of days, I've had a couple of breakthroughs with Him about things that I've been praying about for quite some time. This has been wonderful because I'm gaining some understanding and also scary because it means change will need to occur.

I went down to Renfro Valley last Friday to eat lunch and continue reading "A Closer Walk" by Catherine Marshall. One of the chapters is titled, "Do I Really Want to Get Well?" and it was exactly what I've been needing to hear for awhile now. In this chapter, she writes about how one of her friends, Jessie, was married to an alcoholic. Jessie and all of her friends would pray for her husband, John, to quit drinking and for him to become a Christian. Jessie's prayers were eventually answered and he completely turned his life around. Everyone was excited about this huge answer to prayer, except for Jessie, which was completely strange because she should have been happier than anyone else. What her friends came to realize was that Jessie had enjoyed the attention that she had received by putting up with her husband and his alcoholism. She was able to play the martyr and feel that she was better than him when he was an alcoholic and didn't believe in Jesus. Once his life changed, though, they became equals and that was secretly disappointing for her. Catherine Marshall wrote, "The unsuspected desire of her deepest being had canceled out the prayer of her lips for John's conversion," in order to explain why it took so long for Jessie's prayers to be answered regarding John.

When I read this, it helped me understand what I've been doing when it comes to relationships with men. I've always known that my heart's desire is to fall in love and get married. I firmly believe that God is the one who planted it there because Psalm 37:4 says, "Take delight in the Lord and He will give you your heart's desires." The only problem is that I'm a Jessie when it comes to my love life. I realized that I have a deeper, subconscious desire to stay single and it's unhealthy because it's preventing me from actually falling in love and getting married. I know that some of the surface reasons are that there's a lot of freedom in being single. I was able to move across the country for a year because I wasn't with anyone, I can do whatever I want without checking in, and I don't have to worry about how the things that I do or say will affect another person. On a deeper level, I have gotten some attention for this... there are at least 10 people that I can think of off the top of my head who have said that they're praying for my future husband and me. It's amazing to think that I have that many people in my life who are so concerned about my happiness!

The only problem is that on the two occasions that I was in a relationship, I managed to sabotage it pretty quickly. My friends and family were so excited for me about both guys when I dated them. I was the one who didn't care about either one of them after about a month and figured that I'd rather be single. I distanced myself a lot in order to get both of them to break up with me and it worked. I felt really bad about it with Justin because we've known each other and each other's families for forever. There was a part of me that didn't want to disappoint those who had prayed for me to get into a relationship, but I also didn't want to be with him because it meant giving up the freedom that I have in singleness.

I'm going to be praying for God to show me more about this divided will in myself when it comes to this area of my life. He's revealed some of the reasons why I've been doing this, but I know that there's a lot more to it. If I really want to fall in love and get married eventually, I need to listen to what He tells me to do in order to change.

Go, Rockcastle Rockets! (Part 2)

A couple of weeks ago, I wrote about how the city of Mt. Vernon moved Halloween to the 30th because of the Rockcastle County High School football game being on the 31st. I ended up going to the game last night with Jenny, Jessica, and Yong. My favorite part was that they would shoot off fireworks whenever Rockcastle scored a touchdown or made a field goal. It was kind of cool because I've never been a big fan of Halloween, but I love the 4th of July. I pretty much forgot that it was Halloween last night because there weren't people dressed in costumes AND I got to be reminded of my favorite holiday because there were fireworks being set off.

As far as the game itself, it wasn't that exciting :(. I had expected a crowd in a small town to be really pumped up about it, especially since Rockcastle was ahead during the entire game. They didn't cheer very much and a lot of people left early because they knew they were going to win... I was slightly disappointed about the crowd spirit. It was awesome that they won (10-6) because I haven't gone to very many high school football games where the team I'm cheering for actually wins. It was also fun to hang out with the housemates on a Friday night and we had a good time rooting for the Rockcastle Rockets. Plus, we got to eat at the truck stop after it was over, which is always a nice way to end an evening out.

RAM Clinic

A few of us volunteered at the RAM (Remote Area Medical) Clinic today. It's a clinic where people can go to have medical/dental/vision work done for free. We left our house for a 2 hour drive to Tennessee at 4:15 am and were expecting to be there until 5pm. Thankfully, we only ended up having to be there until noon because there weren't as many people there today. The reason I say "thankfully" is that it was one of those things where there were a lot of people who were willing to volunteer, but there wasn't a lot of work for everyone to do. I ended up with Jordan (another CAP volunteer) and we made sure that all of the seats were filled with people who were waiting to have their vision checked (definitely not a 2 person job and they probably didn't need either of us there to figure out where to sit and wait). It was nice to get to talk to Jordan, though, because she lives in a different house and she seems like a great person. We were the first ones done since our jobs were finished once everyone was seated. Jordan and her housemate, Ryan, went home after they were done and I stayed to wait for the rest of my housemates.

Here's why I think I was supposed to go today, even though there wasn't much for us to do... I went to visit Jessica while she was directing people on where to go in the dental line. She said something to one of the men waiting about me being from CA and he said something about his ex-wife being from there. That somehow led to the guy across from him striking up a conversation with me. There was some small talk about teeth since he was waiting in the dental line and had some questions (I decided not to bore him with my wisdom teeth story). Then he said he had moved back from Pennsylvania to Tennessee 2 months ago because his mom was dying from cirrhosis of the liver. He told me about how she had died while he and the rest of his family were there on Wednesday. He also talked about the fact that his great-nephew was born on Thursday, so it was strange for him to witness death and life in the span of 24 hours. This kid was only 18 years old, the youngest of 9 kids, and he's a Hare Krishna. Basically, he's completely lost right now and doesn't really have anyone to take care of him. He said that he wants to travel around the U.S. and visit Hare Krishna places, but it sounded so empty and meaningless. His name is John and I told him that I would be praying for him. I really should have prayed with him there because I felt that nudge from the Holy Spirit and didn't follow through with it :(. Anyway, to those of you who read this, please pray for John that he'll find peace after his mom passing away and that he'll find hope in Jesus instead of through the Hare Krishnas.

Go, Rockcastle Rockets!

Here's what happens with the little ones for Halloween... there's a Fall Festival that is held for them and it's a carnival type of thing. They get the day off of school in order for us to set everything up, then they come with their families and have a fun evening. It was scheduled for Oct. 30th this year, which seemed like a good idea because it meant that the kids wouldn't be there for 4 days (Thurs.- Sun.). The only problem is that the city of Mt. Vernon decided to move their trick-or-treating event to Oct. 30th as well. Why did they do this? Because the football team is having a game on Friday, Oct. 31st and they didn't want that event to interfere with the game... I can't believe I now live in a town where Halloween can be moved to a different day because of a high school football game.

p.s. We moved the Fall Festival to October 28th.

Undercover

Zaneta and I are in the computer lab right now because we got kicked out of the Child Development Center. The state department came to check on how the CDC is running and we're not sure how long they're going to be here for. The reason we can't be around the kids right now is that neither one of us has a recent TB test (we have appointments scheduled for it this Friday). This wasn't a problem, except for the fact that the state showed up unannounced this morning. Jenifer came over to us and said, "I don't mean to be hateful, but I need you two to go hide out in Kiara's office." So now we wait... I'm going to try to beat my score in "Who Has the Biggest Brain" again.

Wherever I go, there I am.

I've been in Kentucky for almost 2 weeks now and I'm beginning to get adjusted to the fact that this is my new life. There are still a lot of things that need to happen before it feels like home, but the reality of the fact that this is going to be my life for awhile is setting in. I'm also beginning to see that there are certain things about my temperament and the way that I live my life that are probably going to be unchanging, no matter where I'm living or who I'm living with.

First of all, I'm still an introvert. Obviously that will never change because it's part of my temperament and my disposition has been pretty much the same since the day I was born (or at least that's what people have told me). I definitely love to be around people and I LOVE to get to know about their lives, but I forget that when I'm tired or when I've been around people a lot. I had my first full week of volunteering with the 3-4 year olds who are adorable AND exhausting, which made it difficult for me to interact with my housemates at the end of each day. All I wanted was a long nap and time spent by myself after each day was over.

Another thing that hasn't changed is my love of walking in beautiful places while listening to my ipod. I've been walking around here, but I wasn't finding any places where I could walk long distances safely (i.e. the only one where I could walk for a long time was on the side of the highway). I found a road this morning that's near our house and it just kept going. It was absolutely gorgeous and had a ton of trees, open fields, and even a few horses off to the side. Plus, the sun was shining on all of it perfectly. It was equally beautiful to what I would see while walking at the beach.

I spent a lot of Saturday by myself because I was so wiped out from the week. All I wanted to do was find a nice place to sit outside and read/write, which has always been my idea of the perfect weekend. I went to church on Saturday night with Jenny (one of my housemates), then we went to Panera. It was fun to get to know more about her and what her life has been like. I've found that I still love broccoli cheddar soup, Saturday night church, and quality conversations with people.

Some things that are changing are that I'm going to cook for our house on Wednesday night and that will be happening once every 2-3 weeks. It should be interesting since I barely even cook for myself. I'll be leading devotions for them on Wednesday night, too, and that's something that I haven't done on a regular basis for anyone. I'm also more willing to meet more people right now. I went to another one of the volunteer houses with my housemates on Friday night and felt fine while I was meeting the people who live there.

All of this is a fascinating experience and I'm looking forward (kind of) to growing/being challenged. I'm also curious to find out what will remain the same once my time here is finished.

Irem

Here's the story behind my email and blog names... I had a student named Irem and she was the epitome of a pistol. She did all sorts of things that were really funny, but we would have to stifle our laughter because they weren't usually things that she should be doing or saying. She's from Turkey and has this amazing accent that makes it sound like she's singing everything. If there is 1 syllable in a word, she somehow makes it have at least 3. For example, one time she tripped a little as she was coming to the front of the classroom and said, "Am I dru-unn-nnnkKK???"

Anyway, when she'd call me, she'd say, "Jennaaaaa, JennnnaaaAAA," then I'd give her the stink eye and say, "IREM," because she knew she wasn't supposed to call a teacher by their first name. After that, she would say "Jennamissboyd." Then I (and any other adults in the room) would turn our heads the other way because we didn't want her to see us laughing.

My favorite story that I heard about her from her mom was that when she was 7 or so, her mom was driving her home from school. Something happened and her mom somehow ended up driving through a fence as she was leaving the parking lot. A police officer came over and asked Tulay (Irem's mom) what had happened and Irem threw up her hands and said, "I didn't do it!" She was used to being the one who gets into trouble.

Finally, that girl knew how to flirt like no one's business. She'd say things like, "Hey there, CutieeeEEE," and give a guy a kiss on the cheek. Whoever was around would have to tell her that was inappropriate. She had crushes on about 10 guys and would always bat her eyelashes and smile whenever she saw them... I should have taken lessons from her on that when I knew her.

In conclusion, she was a character and I miss her!

Homesick

Well, I've been in this new chapter of my life for about a week now and it's finally beginning to hit me that this is what my life is really going to be like for the next 10 months or so. I had a really tough time tonight because I was missing everyone back home. Even though everyone here is very nice and welcoming, there are still a lot of people that I love back in CA and I wish I could be spending quality time with them, too. Basically, I wish that I could be in 2 places at once right now.

I watched "The Hills" tonight with Kim, Jenny, and Terri, but I got pretty sad thinking of the fact that I'm not at home, sitting on the green couch with my roommates and mocking it mercilessly. Also, the fact that I'm not going to be there for our Monday night HIMYM party is really getting to me. I ran 4 miles tonight just to clear my head and get my energy up, which kind of helped. I played a lot of my songs about depending on Jesus and it reminded me that I'm not in Kentucky for me right now. I'm doing this because God opened the door for me to come here and it's the place that He wants me right now. I heard a sermon last week and the pastor said, "No call matters without surrender." Right now, I'm having to surrender the quality time that I had with my friends in CA, that I can't just go to bible study or church, that I can't see my family whenever I want to, etc.. I expected it to be a character building year when I signed up for this, I just didn't know in what ways and now I'm starting to see what the challenges are going to be. It's not that I don't like it here, it's just hard to leave the place that I came from behind.

In conclusion, here are some of the songs that I listened to tonight to remind me that God is present:

- "Speak"- Lindsay McCaul
- "Let Go"- Lindsay McCaul
- "Take My Life"- Chris Tomlin
- "I'm Not Alright"- Sanctus Real
- "Take Away"- Mainstay
- "In Your Presence"- Charity Von
- "Taken"- Plumb
- "Take Me Through It"- Charity Von
- "Invitacion Fountain"- Vineyard

John Wayne Airport

So I went to pick Vanea up from the airport tonight, which is no big deal because I love the airport. I get there, it's kind of crowded, and it takes me about 5 minutes to get to the pickup spot instead of just driving up to the place where she is. Anyway, she had texted me right as I was getting to the place where she said she would be and told me that she was going to the bathroom. I panic a little because there are airport security guards every 10 feet or so and I know they're not going to let me park my car. I pull up to an empty spot behind a Buick and I pray for her to hurry because there's one of those guards standing next to the car in front of me. He leaves and points at me to move my car. I'm ready with my excuse that I'm waiting for my pregnant friend, but he starts walking down the row of cars, so I figure he didn't care that much and maybe I didn't need to move my car. He comes back, Vanea's still not there, I'm starting to panic more, but am also kind of mad that the guy didn't even take the time to listen to my excuse, which was a REALLY good one. He says, "I told you to move your car a couple of minutes ago, why haven't you done that?" I tell him, "My pregnant friend had to use the restroom and she's going to be right back." To which he says, "Well, if I had a pregnant friend, I would park my car in the structure and help her with her bags." Then I looked over and Vanea was standing right next to my car in her cute maternity outfit and puts her bags that a 5 year old could probably carry without a problem into my trunk. It was AMAZING timing and the guy didn't say anything else to me.

p.s. I don't really understand why a guy would make his pregnant friend walk all the way to the parking structure, even if he was carrying her bags for her. It seems like more of a burden for the woman to walk that far than to carry a few bags about 50 yards from the baggage claim.

p.s.s. I still love the airport.

The bunny

Today I went walking on the boardwalk in Newport. This isn't anything out of the ordinary because I do this at least twice a week. While I was walking past the big clock, I saw a man playing guitar and he had something on top of his hat. I couldn't figure out what it was at first, but there was a fairly large crowd around him and I knew it would be something interesting. As I got closer, I saw that it was a bunny on his head. As I continued to get closer, I saw that he had a chicken, another bunny, and a guinea pig that were around a little table in front of him. So strange, but I kept walking because I knew I could pay closer attention when I was walking back.

Once I came back, he had added a dog to the mix and it was sitting on a leash next to him... it kind of looked like one of the dogs from "Pirates of the Caribbean." By this time there were 2 cops who didn't seem to know what to do. It's like they didn't want to interrupt this train wreck that was occurring in front of them because it was pretty entertaining, but they also seemed like they were trying to figure out a way to cite him for something. I stopped briefly to hear what his singing voice sounded like, but it was a little too twangy and I decided to continue on my way.

Freedom

We talked a lot at Tuesday night's bible study, so this is kind of a continuation of the last blog. Hilary brought up the amazing question of, "What does freedom in Christ look like in a person's life?" Carrie's response was that we experience freedom when we're truly living in the moment, being aware of God's presence, and not dwelling on the past or worrying about the future. That statement was absolutely true, so I wanted to try and remember the times that has happened to me...

~ The majority of the week at RFKC was like that this year. I was almost always completely in the moment. Not thinking about what was going on at home, not thinking about what I'm going to do for a job or missions. Just spending time with the girls in cabin 17 and enjoying their company. There was Shaneia and her AMAZING sense of rhythm/hip hop skills. Kristin, Justine, and I were a great team as counselors because we were able to back each other up when it came to following through on any rules for the girls and we had so much fun as a group. Jennifer would take my arm whenever we were walking anywhere and it was so cute because I didn't think of her as a particularly clingy child when I first met her. Jennifer being cuddled up next to me during the graduation ceremony and I just kept crying because I was thinking, "This is what life is about. God has placed us in each other's lives this week for a reason, she has stolen my heart, and I'm going to miss her so much when this week is over." Crying pretty much every morning when people would talk about the breakthroughs that happen with some of the campers each year. Getting to be at the same table as "Quickfeet Blake" for all of the meals. He charmed the socks off of me from the very beginning. After our first lunch, he said, "I don't usually do this when I first meet a person, but...," then he went to give me a hug and I just about died from trying to stifle my laughter.

~ Going to Blaine, Kentucky and not wanting to leave because of the people that I met on that trip. We had so much fun, even though there were 11 of us in a 2 bedroom apartment and the bathroom door didn't close all the way unless you stuck a shoe underneath it. My favorite memory was watching the kids start a bible study during their free time. They just had a craving to read more of the bible and they did that when they could have been playing cards or hiking or playing music.

~ Any time spent with my family, whether it's going to the Wards' to watch "Psych" and play "Rock Band" or going out to lunch with the 'rents and the Fazakerleys.

~ Sitting in the backyard while reading a book, writing in my journal, or playing Sudoku.

~ Having the perfect summer day, which includes going to the beach with friends, playing in the waves, getting frozen yogurt, and having a barbecue.

~ When my students knew the routine and followed it without needing to be reminded of what to do next.

~ Joking around with coworkers at the Beach Pit while eating ice cream and blueberry cornbread.

~ Taking long walks while talking with friends.

~ Holding Alethea while she's asleep and seeing how peaceful a baby can be. Seeing her smile and having fun when she's awake.

The common thread among the majority of these things is that they are about having relationships with people and being aware of God's presence. I need to be better at living my life that way!

Rules vs. Grace

We were talking about having freedom in Christ last night during bible study because of going through Galatians. I have loved studying this book because Paul talks so much about experiencing God's grace and he emphasizes that it is not about obeying the law. In Galatians 3:11, it says, "So it is clear that no one can be made right with God by trying to keep the law. For the Scriptures say, 'It is through faith that a righteous person has life.' "

I have spent the majority of my time as a Christian being concerned with obeying the rules, trying to be kind to others, going to church, etc., and treating my relationship with Jesus like a checklist. God loves me no matter what I do for Him because I'm His child. On the other hand, there are things that I want to do to show Him how much I love Him and I think that's why the legalism occurs. It ends up that I do things because I think He'll appreciate it, but those things don't matter if my heart isn't in it... and the bottom line is that it all comes down to the heart. There's a song by Ginny Owens called, "I Am Nothing," where she sings about how she could cross the oceans to tell people about Jesus, teach Sunday School, give away all of her money, etc., "but if I do not love, I am nothing." If I'm doing anything and saying that it's for Jesus while not really thinking about Him, then it's wrong. It means that I'm trying to gain His approval and I'm being completely legalistic.

I don't need to do anything to be loved by God. I should WANT to do things because of having a relationship with Him, but He loves me unconditionally- no matter what my attitude is. If I'm reading my bible, it needs to be because I want to learn more about the Lord and grow deeper in my relationship with Him. It shouldn't be because I have devotions and I need to get them done at some point during the day to make me a better Christian. If I'm going to church, it needs to be because I want to worship Jesus. Not because it's 5:30 on Saturday night and that's where I always am during that day and time. I don't think He wants people doing things for Him just because they're part of a routine.

I'm still grappling with all of this and haven't come up with a clear answer. I know that all of my actions do need to be done with love, but I'm also aware of the fact that there are times when I need to be responsible and do things that I don't feel like doing. There are going to be times when my heart isn't in something that I'm doing for God, but I'll still need to follow through with them. It's so hard to find the line where something is being done out of obligation and fear instead of out of joy and love. God's grace is the only thing that can allow me to experience that joy and love, though.

I'll end with this analogy... I love babies and have been around when a lot of them were newborns. The fascinating thing about them is how much people adore them, even though they're not able to DO anything for another person. They cry, they eat, they smile, they poop, they laugh, etc., but they're not going to do the dishes, join you over a cup of coffee, or give you advice on a major decision. They bring so much joy to the people who love them, though, just because of who they are and because of spending time with them. I think that's the way God looks at us as His children. I don't need to do anything to make Him love me. I just need to be aware of His presence and while I'm doing that, He's probably up there saying, "Look at Jenna, she's working hard to show how much she loves me, but she doesn't need to because I'm just so happy that she's one of my children."

You can't always get what you want.

Something that I'm finally figuring out as I'm getting older is that I don't know anyone who has it all and I don't know anyone who has nothing. By all, I mean joy, faith, money, marriage, true love, children, career, education, free time, house, car, etc.. There are people who have some of these things (a few may even have most of them), but I don't know anyone who has all or nothing. What I'm also starting to realize is that the things that a person wants more than anything else in the world are usually the things that will be the most difficult for them to attain. The things that don't matter much to them will often come easily and without much thought.

Some things have come easily to me and I have barely thought about them because they weren't things that I was super concerned with. I live in a beautiful house with my room facing a canal and it's across the street from the beach... I'm always amazed that I ended up here because it wasn't anything that I was looking for or that I cared much about. I've always been more concerned with having a roof over my head than with what the place looks like or where it's located. That was never anything that mattered much to me and I think the reason I ended up here is because I didn't care and I got to appreciate that GOD was blessing me. It wasn't something that I controlled. I didn't look for this place, it just happened that Chris needed 3 other roommates and she asked me to be one of them. It also ended up that I discovered great friendships with the other girls who live here.

This has also happened with a few of the jobs that I've had. When I first got out of college, it was really difficult for me to find a job that I felt at peace with and I remember searching for 8 months to find a place that fit what I was looking for. It ended up that I started working with adults with developmental disabilities and found that I loved it. Finding that first job was incredibly hard, but everything after that has fallen into place because I found my niche in teaching people with disabilities. I haven't had many worries about my career path since that period of time when I was 22 years old because of knowing what I need to do as a career.

I look at friends who are dealing with infertility and it's so devastating for them because all they want during this life is to have a baby of their own to love. There are others out there who didn't care much about whether they had a child and ended up pregnant as soon as they decided to try. I look at the kids at Royal Family Kids' Camp and think about how so many of their parents didn't want to have kids and didn't want to take responsibility for them. Those kids were born into abusive, neglectful families, yet it was so easy for their moms to get pregnant with them.

I have spent the majority of my life wanting to fall in love and get married more than anything. It's something that has even been an idol at some points because I wanted to know what it was like SO badly. I keep trying to surrender it, but then a nice guy comes along and I think, "this might be it and it's finally going to be easy." It never is, though, and there's always some curveball that gets thrown in there to prevent anything from happening. It has become very discouraging and I don't think it would be that way if I just didn't care about it. Instead, I usually end up thinking that God is laughing at me when it comes to this area of my life. I know He's not, I know that I need to trust Him, and I know that it truly will be easy when the right man comes into my life. He really is protecting me, but I still tend to get upset about it because it just keeps happening over and over in different, random ways.

I guess my thoughts on all of this are that God truly does give people the desires of their hearts because He is the one who plants them in there. I think our deepest desires are usually the ones that are the most difficult to attain because God wants us to appreciate them more once He eventually does give them to us. I just need to keep my focus on God by depending on Him alone and not having my thoughts dwell as much on the things in my life that I want to happen.

Humbled

As I've gotten older, I've realized that there are all sorts of different ways that people handle life. Some of them are what I like to call "paper people," and then there are the rest (I don't have a name for them, but maybe I'll think of one by the time I finish writing this). I want to talk about the paper people because I'm beginning to think that I became one of those for awhile. They are the ones whose lives look great to outsiders... they have the degrees, the career, the house, etc., that make people think that this is a great person. It doesn't, though, because the thing that is missing from all of that is depth and love. This is not to say that everyone who has those things is shallow and/or hateful, it's just to say that there's more to life than what we have accomplished in the eyes of other people.

I have my master's degree, I spent the past 3 years as a special ed. teacher, I volunteered for 4 years with a boy who lives in a group home, and I live in a beautiful house with 4 other girls who are amazing individuals. All of these things sound great to other people and look good on paper, but I let them define who I am when they really didn't matter. I spent a good portion of the past year being unhappy because I was trying to live up to a set of expectations that no one cared about and I didn't want to quit anything because I was afraid of failing others. It ended up that I was spending so much time doing things for others and I wasn't taking the time to love them or get to know them. I was so caught up in trying to do the right thing (while burning out) and I failed at the thing which is the most important (loving others).

Right now I'm working at the Beach Pit BBQ and I love it! My coworkers are great and I'm always surprised at how kind they are to everyone. I've heard about 3 negative comments from any of them about anyone else during the 6 weeks or so that I've worked there. They're people that I probably never would have gotten to know otherwise, but I'm so thankful for it because it has shown me that a person's accomplishments have nothing to do with how they treat others. That's what is more important than anything and I'm learning it by seeing the actions of people who are still in high school and college.

When I'm there, there's a part of me that's thinking about how I used to be a teacher. It's a profession that people usually think pretty highly of because of making a difference in the life of a child. When I think that, I realize that I was defining how valuable I am as a person by my career choice. The other part of me is thinking about how I'm having fun doing this, even though it's not a job that's going to change anyone's life (although the blueberry cornbread is pretty amazing and can bring a lot of joy to others). Then I look at the people around me and realize that I'm learning from them. I'm learning to treat others equally, to realize that what they've accomplished doesn't matter, and to find out what they're like as individuals.

It's funny because we're going through the book of Galatians in bible study right now and a lot of Paul's writing has to do with God's grace and the fact that we can't earn our salvation. Galatians 3:5 says, "I ask you again, does God give you the Holy Spirit and work miracles among you because you obey the law? Of course not! It is because you believe the message you heard about Christ." That's what I've been doing my entire life... trying so hard to do the right thing, follow the rules, etc., that I'm taking everything into my own hands and not putting my faith in Jesus. I don't have to accomplish anything in my life for Him to love me because I have His grace. I'm finally experiencing His grace by letting go of the things I held onto for so long that were causing me to burn out and by taking on a job that is causing me to learn more about Him and love for other people.

This summer has been one of the happiest times in my life because of learning these things, getting to spend quality time with friends and family, finally being content with being single, and being excited over this new adventure that is most likely going to take place in Kentucky :). I've finally realized that I'm one lucky girl who is loved unconditionally by God.

The Plan

I decided to quit teaching this year because a) I was completely overwhelmed and b) I was feeling led to do missions for at least a year. I ended the school year not knowing where I was going to go or what I was going to be doing, which was really scary. I've always had long-term plans for my life... even when they didn't turn out the way I expected them to, there was still always a plan. When I was 15, I knew that I was going to go to college, major in psychology, go to graduate school, get my MFT degree, and spend the rest of my life as a Christian counselor.

Those plans changed as I went into my last semester of college because I realized that my career would be spent in an office, listening to people's problems. I still love listening to people's problems, but I think one of the reasons I love it is because I'm not getting paid for it. I enjoy being a good listener, but I think I would have become resentful about helping people with their problems if I had chosen it as a career. I also don't think I could have worked in an office. I worked in the alumni office at Vanguard while I went to school there. It was only 8 hours per week, but it usually felt like 40. I felt claustrophobic the majority of the time, I stuffed envelopes, filed things, copied things, etc. All indoors, never seeing the light of day (now I'm just being dramatic). The gist of it is that I found I needed a job where I'm able to move around a lot and all of them since then have been that way.

I graduated college with the BA in Psychology in hand, started looking for jobs in group homes, found that I would have been eaten alive by the teenagers in group homes, and ended up working with adults with developmental disabilities instead. I fell in love with this population of people and that ended up leading me down the path to becoming a special ed. teacher. With that came a lot of joy (i.e. the students, field trips, the students, pep rallies, watching kids from general ed. becoming friends with the students, the other teachers, supportive parents, and did I mention the students?) and a lot of trials (i.e. endless paperwork, parents who yelled at staff, advocates, cliques within the staff, etc.). There were a lot of people that I met over the past 2 years who became like family to me, but I also knew that it was time for me to leave busy, materialistic Orange County.

After a month or so of not having a long-term plan for the first time in my life, it appears that I'll be moving to Eastern Kentucky. There's a place called the Christian Appalachian Project and I have felt that God is leading me there for this period in my life. I've applied to be a long-term volunteer for 9 months beginning October 1st and I'm really excited to see what's going to happen during my time there. I'll be living with other volunteers in a community house, sharing meals and prayer together 5 days per week. They have a lot of different service opportunities, but I'm hoping that I'll end up as a respite worker for adults with disabilities or that I'll get to work in their program for 3-5 year olds. They could end up placing me somewhere else within CAP, but those were the two that really piqued my interest. There seems to be a plan again (as long as I get in) and I can't wait to see what will happen!

Vahdan

I'm going to write about some of the people who have inspired me over the years from time to time and write some of the reasons why. Maybe they can help inspire others who haven't met them yet :)...

The first person is Vahdan. He was my favorite student at NHS (even though many of them hold a huge, special place in my heart) and he's definitely in my top 10 for favorite people in the world (this list includes family members, so it's a big deal that he's on it). The reason I think he's one of the best people EVER is because he lives life better than anyone I know. There's some phrase about how people should dance like no one's watching and that's the kind of person he is. He lives life without inhibitions and doesn't care what people think of him. He knows how he feels the majority of the time and he knows how to express it, which is better than most people without disabilities can do. When he was happy, he would joke around and have fun. When he was sad, he would cry. When he was angry or frustrated, he would pout and tell the person he was mad at exactly what they were doing to make him feel that way.

There was one time when he was picked to be in a hula hooping contest in front of the entire school during a pep rally. He went up there, circled the hoop around his waist a couple of times, then it would hit the floor. He kept doing this during the entire contest and didn't care that he was losing because he was having a blast up there. Once he was finished, he took the microphone from the pep rally commissioner and started cheering into it, "Go Northwood, WOOOOO WOOOOO WOOOOO!!!" (or something like that... it was all very school spirited). How many 10th graders are able to do that without shame? I'm pretty sure he's the only one.

My favorite memory of him was from my 28th birthday. He was going to play "Happy Birthday" for me on the piano, but he felt he needed to do something else first. He held up his water bottle and said in his Armenian accent, "We need to do a toast." I nearly died while doubling over in laughter because I was not expecting a toast from a student at 9 in the morning. Then he said, "How old are you?" Brett said something along the lines of, "It's not a good idea to ask a lady her age," but I answered, "28." Vahdan gives a toast which basically consisted of, "To Miss Boyd, at 28," and I continued laughing hysterically because I NEVER knew what to expect with that kid.

To summarize, here are a few of the things that Vahdan taught me:
1) Don't care about what others think because you'll have more fun in the process.
2) Know how you feel and express it. No matter what the emotion is, it's probably better than keeping it bottled up inside.
3) Remember to celebrate people because it makes them feel loved.

I hope that one day I'll be better at applying these things to my life. I'm glad that I got to see his example for the past 2 years, though.

Blog 1

Well, I'm going to try and be consistent with writing a blog because I haven't done that very often. My plan is to write about some insights that I have in life and talk about what I've been learning. Also, writing some about the things that God has been teaching me in the past few months and years. Who knows whether I'll do this on a regular basis or if I'll even let people know that I'm keeping one of these, but hey, it's the thought that counts.