Joy needs to be the theme.

I've been pretty upset over the past couple of days because I got rejected by a guy who I thought was going to be different than the other ones that I've been interested in. This has left a huge knot of anger in my stomach because of bottling up my emotions. I knew that I needed to cry about it today or it was going to end up being damaging to my health.

I was having trouble thinking of anything that could make me cry until I remembered the book that Emily had given to me for Christmas one year. She gave me "Chicken Soup for Jenna's Soul" and filled it with stories that various loved ones had written about things they had learned during their lives. My favorite story in there is the one that my dad had written called, "My First Daughter." I've read that one often and it's pretty much guaranteed to make me cry. I read through the majority of it and I still wasn't crying until I read the last paragraph when he wrote, "Every night, I pray for Jenna and her sister, that their relationships with God would be so good and close that nothing could steal their joy and hope." Joy and hope are the two things that I've been thinking about the most since this happened on Tuesday night. I don't have a lot of hope right now because I did think that things were going to be different with this guy and it's hard to think that I will have to look for someone else again.

The other part of the joy theme is that I was reading through old journal entries on Tuesday afternoon and I came across one where I had written down a quote from Ben Patterson. He said, "Joy is what you experience when you're grateful for the grace that God has given to you." I remember hearing him say that during a sermon at St. Andrew's and completely agreeing with him because he was saying that none of our circumstances in life matter if we're thinking about what Jesus did by dying on the cross. Then I realized that some sort of bad circumstance was going to happen soon and that God was giving me that quote to lean on when the time came.

The next day, Hunter called to tell me that he was moving back to Dallas. I just remember feeling so heartbroken because we had been on that missions trip to Blaine, KY the week before and it had seemed like there was something between the two of us while we were there. Plus, the kids in the youth group kept saying that we should be together. My point is that God prepared me on that Sunday night for some bad news and I'm certain that he prepared me again for this past Tuesday night.

Now I just need to cry a little bit more and actually feel something. After that, I'm completely ready to return to having joy and hope.

Something to ponder...

We've been going through "Crazy Love" by Francis Chan at church and this is a question that he wrote about in the book:

"The critical question for our generation—and for every generation— is this: If you could have heaven, with no sickness, and with all the friends you ever had on earth, and all the food you ever liked, and all the leisure activities you ever enjoyed, and all the natural beauties you ever saw, all the physical pleasures you ever tasted, and no human conflict or any natural disasters, could you be satisfied with heaven, if Christ were not there? " — John Piper (God Is the Gospel: Meditations on God's Love as the Gift of Himself)

This was a difficult question for me to answer at first because it wasn't something I had ever really thought about. When I picture heaven, I just think about the fact that everything will be perfect and I'll be there with Jesus. I had never thought about whether heaven could be perfect without Jesus, though. Then I thought that I might be okay with it because it sounds like there wouldn't be any problems there and that wouldn't be so bad.

As I thought about it more, I realized that I have had a few perfect days here on earth. For example, the perfect summer day of going to the beach with friends, playing in the waves, eating frozen yogurt, and having a barbecue. Or the perfect winter day of having a pillow fight, snowball fight, watching Faerie Tale Theatre, making hot chocolate, and playing Scrabble. Those were fun and simple days where all of the things that John Piper talked about in his quote were happening. One of the reasons that they were just right was because of being aware of God's presence during them. They would have been empty and meaningless if I hadn't been thinking
about the beauty that He has created on earth. Basically, it's next to impossible to see dolphins swimming in the ocean or deer gathered in a snowy field and not believe in God. So, I've gotten a tiny taste of what heaven will be like and I don't want to go there if it means that I don't get to be with Jesus.

In the words of one of my favorite worship songs ever, "Better is one day in your courts than thousands elsewhere."